From "I Am My Own Best Casual Acquaintance

And Other Cosmic Half-firmations

Shanti Goldstein

You can see the universe in a grain of sand, or is it visa versa.

If I were not special, I would not be so near the top of the food chain.

Every day I love and pleasure myself. But do I respect myself in the morning? And how come I never call?

Today I will be open to whatever the universe drops on me.

On the fast-paced highway of life, I will strive to be a speed bump.

Is the glass half full or half empty? And whose lipstick is on the rim?

My personal happiness depends on the suffering of others.

What gifts am I receiving from the Universe today? And what if they don't fit or they aren't my color?

What you hold inside persists. What you release can clear an elevator.

Today I will rely on the language of love and understanding. If that doesn't work, I'll go back to intimidation and fear.

I will strive to be godlike. I will start by condemning my enemies to an eternal hell.

I listen to my body. It is saying, "Two Twinkies and an RC cola, please."

As I learn to trust the Universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

I am a unique individual, just like everybody else.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

Blessed ar the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

I can punish myself for mistakes of the past -- or I can let somebody else do it.

My purpose today is to share Peace with everyone I touch. And you call that sexual harassment!

I cried because I had no remote control until I met a man who had no TV.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my fortieth birthday.

Life is a demolition derby, and I am a Ford Pinto with Firestone 500 tires.

"Chop wood, carry water." But don't expect a tip.

If God did not want me to judge and savage myself, shy did S/He make me so good at it?

As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are somebody else's fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.

Life is my school, and the vice principal wants to see me in his office.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

If it is natural to be happy, why does the willow weep and the dove mourn?

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

My Inner Warrior can kick your Inner Warrior's ass.

If God lives within me, shouldn't I avoid using antibiotics?

Success is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent who you know.

I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

I can learn a lot about myself by looking into other people's windows late at night.

Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

The screen is always darkest before the next program begins.

I have the choice: to live my life in wellness ... or to get sick and wallow in all that attention.

Hell may be eternally unpleasant, but at least it offers job security.

Complete honesty in a word and deed is a good way to get punched out.

Without G-O-D "good" would be "O."

Today is the last day of your life so far.

No man is an isthmus.

Today I will take my Inner Child to McDonalds for a Happy Meal. Dutch treat.

When something kicks me in the ass, I will turn the other cheek.

I honor my Inner Warrior. Otherwise he will hurt me. Badly.

There is nothing wrong with me. Really.

Coming out of your shell is dangerous. Ask any clam.

I would give my right arm to be left-brained.

Today I will treat myself as I would my best friend -- with sarcasm and neglect.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

Today I will disregard all negative messages -- like STOP or YIELD or WRONG WAY, DO NOT ENTER.

Does my quiet self-pity get me to Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Life is like a lottery -- the odds are I'll get back forty cents for every dollar I spend.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day, watching TV. Instead, I'll move my TV into the bedroom.

God is with me in all circumstances, at all times, in all places. Even Cleveland.

Am I seeing and valuing myself realistically? No, thank God!

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute ... I'll find someone.

Why should I waste time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.

To understand all is to fear all.

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

The best way to make my nightmares come true is to wake up.

I would like to have the heart of a small child. I would keep it in a jar on my desk.

The next time the Universe knocks on my door I will pretend I am not home.

When I dance through life, I do the Texas Two-Step.

My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for a midnight mass?

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to by me nice things.

To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Never judge a man until you have driven a mile on his snow tires.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those damned censorious, self-righteous people around me.

If God wanted us to trust our own perceptions, S/He should not have given us organized religion.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, the reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

If I'm really quiet and peaceful and listen really hard, I can hear Howard Stern in my fillings.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.